Rebirth

Kaitlin’s story:

“Like many, my life has been driven by fear.  Fear of failing, disappointing others, not growing enough, of growing too much, of loss, and in a strange way of success.”

Fear has essentially led the way under the guise of safety and logic. I assumed this was all part of who I was, an overly cautious, over-thinking, over-sensitive Italian-American girl who was born this way. “It’s in your blood” or “It’s who we are” were phrases I heard over and over growing up in response to questioning this paralyzing default setting I seemed to have.

At the same time, there has been a part of me that has always challenged this fear-based life and has screamed out for attention. That voice is usually muffled but there are distinct moments in my life where she escaped her cage and was able to influence the trajectory of my life. I can count these moments on one hand, but they are the moments I felt most like me, whatever that meant at the time. There were moments when my actions maybe didn’t make the most “sense” but I did them anyway and they are the moments that have gotten me closest to life

I want to live. My inner voice led me straight into Angela’s acupuncture office over two years ago in a desperate attempt to find answers during my struggle with infertility. 

I distinctly remember my first walk to her office, rehearsing in my head all the questions I had that would elicit an a-ha moment resulting in me being pregnant by the end of the week. Instead, when Angela what I wanted out of our time together, I very calmly said, I just want this to be OK. Whatever ‘this’ is, I want it to be OK. This was not the answer I had planned, because this answer implied potentially not ever being pregnant, but it was the most truthful I had been in a long time.

Knowing Angela now, I can look back on that moment and know being in her presence has a profound effect on the things that come out of your mouth. It makes perfect sense to me now that at that moment I had no choice but to surrender to how I was feeling.  Being pregnant wasn’t what I wanted, it was all so much deeper than that. Angela and I then set out on a journey that would forever change my life. It’s cliche to say how hard it is to put into words what she has done for me, but it’s the truth. There’s a simplicity to it that is deceiving. The best way to describe the effect she’s had on me is simply to say she has introduced me to my truest self. 

Angela’s program has brought this version of myself to the surface in the most clear and powerful ways.

This program doesn’t change you, it brings you to life and that distinction is important. This version of myself is someone I have always known and being reintroduced to her in these ways has been a sigh of relief and a sense of comfort. Make no mistake, this work is hard. It’s the most challenging work I have ever done and in some ways, I know the further I go the harder it will be. But the main lesson I have learned from this journey is that pain is where all the good stuff lives. 

We’ve all heard that pain and struggle are necessary, but I’ve never imagined that one day I’d find it beautiful. Never would I have imagined that I’d be grateful for my infertility journey, but I am because it made space for even more important work. 

I now can understand and appreciate that my body knows exactly what it’s doing for me. In any struggle, the key is to slow down and listen, not resist. I have spent so much of my life resisting that to let go and surrender to listening - whether it be as small as a stressful conversation at the office or as big as grappling with not having children - is nothing short of magic.

The nuance in what Angela teaches is in the realization that your progress is directly related to your truest self. It’s access to that version of you that is leading the charge and Angela is here to be the guide. This means that beyond the tips and tools you gain from this program, you start to trust yourself in ways you could have never imagined. What a gift this is for the rest of your life.

I am forever indebted to Angela and the time and energy she put into my journey. She has given and continues to give so much of herself for the sake of me that I continue to be amazed and inspired by her devotion to this work. I wish everyone I love could share in even just a few moments in her presence to experience what it’s like.

I’ve learned to breathe, I’ve learned to listen, I’ve learned to slow down and be quiet. I’ve learned to daydream with intention. I’ve learned to live inside my body, not my mind. I’ve learned to take ownership of my life and to trust. I’ve learned to celebrate my shadow self and the fear-based life she led - she isn’t so bad after all and fear is here for an important reason. I’ve learned to not only embrace the unexpected nature of life but to look forward to it.

I’ve learned to love my infertility and truly be so thankful for it. That is an insane sentence to type out but I couldn’t leave this testimonial without saying it loud and clear. I still have a ways to go on the journey, but this thought is exciting because I now understand it’s all self-discovery. All that I need, I have.

Three months after writing this testimonial I finally became pregnant.  I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl in August of 2023 on a very hot end-of-summer Wednesday. Raphaëlle is now just shy of her first birthday and as I get to know her and fall more deeply in love each minute, I can’t help but say the most cliche thing there is to say, which is I couldn’t imagine her being here without all that's come before.